


Two Queens Sort Out Two Fools

by MusingsOnBuckyBarnes



Category: The Witcher (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Happy Ending, M/M, Matchmaking, Women Being Awesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:33:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24838489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MusingsOnBuckyBarnes/pseuds/MusingsOnBuckyBarnes
Summary: Two queens (one crowned, one not) see that the amount of pine between Geralt and Jaskier surpasses that of a conifer forest, and have had enough of it.Or in other words, Calanthe and Yennifer team up to play matchmaker in their own unique ways.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 8
Kudos: 72





	Two Queens Sort Out Two Fools

xXx

The change in Queen Calanthe was quite amazing to see. And it wasn’t even a doppler. Her narrow victory over the Nilfgaardians as well as Eist nearly dying had altered her, seemingly for good. Gossip was that when the jaws of defeat had started to close around her, Calanthe had prayed, making certain promises if she won the battle. Now she was keeping them. She was even reversing the oppression and exile of the elves.

So, when Calanthe summoned Geralt to her main castle in Cintra, he assumed it was for advice of some sort, like how to best approach Filavandrel and his elves. Or how to deal with the factions of her people who didn’t like this new version of the queen and the changes she was making. And also the Queen had promised that Geralt and Cirilla would also get to spend time together. 

When the Witcher had arrived at the castle this morning, he did get to spend an hour with Ciri before she had been called away for lessons. Things had seemed to go well, which was a relief. She was a lovely child. Now Calanthe wanted to see Geralt.

The meeting room was in a turret. Geralt entered the room, and noticed several things at once. It was more of a bedroom than a conference area. That set off alarms in his head. A table and four chairs were also present. Two of the chairs were occupied: Calanthe and _Yennefer_. They looked quite chummy together. Even louder alarms. A bottle of wine and goblets were in front of them, but not at the other places.

He bowed. “You wished to see me?”

Calanthe said with cheer, “Yes, we’re going to have a much-needed meeting. Just waiting for one more person to join us.”

The alarm bells were clanging. But Geralt sat and waited to see what they were up to. He hadn’t seen Yennefer since the argument after the dragon hunt. She looked as usual, powerful and beautiful. The sorceress regarded him calmly.

The Queen asked Yennefer, “So, he actually wished to a djinn to bind the two of you together? Without asking you or telling you? Really?”

“Yes. When he finally told me, I ended our relationship.”

“Understandable.”

“Now I’m working on a way to end the wish.”

Geralt said to Yennefer, “I’m sorry. I was severely sleep deprived at the time and not thinking clearly. In trying to save you from the djinn, I worded the wish in the wrong way. I should have told you sooner.”

She nodded, seemingly accepting his apology or at least acknowledging it. Time would tell.

Before anything more could be said, Jaskier was escorted in. Seeing the gathering before him, the bard stopped on the threshold in surprise. Geralt was glad to see him showing some form of caution. 

“Jaskier,” Yennefer said sweetly. “Please come in.”

Jaskier bowed then did as told, sitting at the table. He seemed to be attempting to hide his reluctance.

Geralt also hadn’t seen Jaskier since their argument on the mountain. He felt his heart leap in a way that it hadn’t with Yennefer and he tried to quash that feeling. Jaskier also looked great. Geralt had heard that his barding career was going from strength to strength. He remembered the way that Jaskier used to look at him, a sort of adoration, a delight at being with him, the affection. Geralt realised how much he had drawn from it and also how much he had missed it after Jaskier left. That look was not in Jaskier’s gaze now. Reserve and uncertainty were in its place. 

Had Geralt killed what was between them for good before it had a chance? Or was Jaskier being cautious now, guarding his own heart? And why was Geralt even thinking such things, when Jaskier was better off without him?

Jaskier probably had also assumed that he was being summoned for a meeting about Filavandrel. Though he did also know Ciri from times over the years when he had come back to play for the royal court. He didn’t have his lute with him now. And from the way his gaze flickered around the room, he too was puzzled and on edge about why this choice of a setting for a meeting. His gaze turned to Geralt, questioning. Geralt tried to give him a reassuring look in turn. Probably not very successfully.

Calanthe got straight to the point. “It has come to our attention that the two of you are being fucking idiots. Not idiots that are fucking – that would be acceptable – but just fucking idiots. So, we’ve decided to do something about that.”

_Oh Melitele preserve us!_

Geralt asked reluctantly, “And just what have you decided?”

Jaskier just stayed silent and looked stricken.

Instead of enlightening them, the women turned to each other and seemed to resume a conversation they’d been having.

Calanthe said, “So this bard turned up at the betrothal feast for my daughter all those years ago with an entourage consisting of this Witcher as his bodyguard. The latter dressed, as Mousesack put it, like a sad silk trader. The bard actually convinced him to wear it. A high-cut jacket with _flowers_ on it. The ensemble did show off his arse nicely; I’ll give it that. And a change from the basic black that Witchers seem to favour. Then when I gave the Witcher the great honour of sitting next to me, what did he do? Kept his gaze firmly on the bard! Even when Jaskier was singing and he could tell within a thrice if something went wrong by him stopping, but oh no, the Witcher completely ignored court etiquette despite being right beside his own queen. Then when I asked for his help, he refused, even when I offered to pay him. Yet he admitted he was helping the bard for free! Even when I ordered him, he wouldn’t budge. The nerve…” She looked like she didn’t know whether to admire or execute him. 

During this, Jaskier was darting looks at Geralt.

Yennefer took a sip from her goblet and nodded. “When I first met them, I dressed Geralt too.” She waved one hand and produced a small image of Geralt in the outfit she had magicked up years ago. The image revolved just above the table for the edification of the audience.

Calanthe considered it. “Nice; you also saw the benefit on showing off his arse.”

“He complained that it was tight.” Yennefer dissolved the image.

Both women rolled their eyes and laughed. Both men wisely remained silent.

Yennefer said, “Geralt is all about the coin, except for when it comes to Jaskier. You had the example of him bodyguarding the bard for free. I first met them when Geralt brought Jaskier to me for healing – one of the djinn wishes had backfired. Jaskier was dying and Geralt was so desperate to save him that he promised me _anything_ I wanted in return. He could see how powerful I was, and he still said that. He didn’t even ask first or try to bargain. That’s how much the bard meant to him. I know Geralt was very sleep deprived at the time, but I’m sure he would have still made the same pledge even if he was thinking more clearly.”

Geralt felt his jaw tighten. He didn’t want to think about that horrible time, of Jaskier choking for breath.

Now Jaskier was being silent. Too silent. The bard even often talked in his sleep. Though then again, in this bizarre setting, he probably didn’t have a chance to get a word in. Or he was actually being sensible for once in the face of such opposition. Or he was stunned at what these two powerful women were revealing.

Yennefer said, “The two of you had a falling-out that is yet to be fixed. It will be fixed today.”

Calanthe fingered the stem of her ornate goblet. Her rings flashed in the light of many candles and burning sconces. “Yes, we are gathered here today to make you two idiots see sense. To resume your friendship and also to admit that you love each other. Since it is blindly obvious that you won’t get around to that without our help.”

Oh fuck, Calanthe’s comment about them being fucking idiots not idiots fucking hadn’t just been a joke. They weren’t just being peacekeepers or diplomats. They were _matchmaking_.

Jaskier finally spoke. “Geralt doesn’t even call me his friend. Though that just might have been some odd sort of Witcher humour.”

“You are my friend. I was partly teasing you but also I didn’t know how to admit it,” Geralt managed to say.

The two women had triumphant ‘You see?’ expressions.

Jaskier seemed happy at Geralt’s news, but then told Calanthe and Yennefer, “Regardless of that, he doesn’t love me. He loves Yennefer. So, I thank you for helping him to admit to our friendship. We can now –”

Yennefer cut him off. “As much as I would once have liked that to be true, it isn’t. The way you two look at each other is indisputable. Geralt and I have worked through our lust. There is a love between us, but not the true love kind. I think it’s time we tried to become friends instead. Providing he doesn’t try any more stupid stunts.”

Calanthe nodded. “The amount of pine between these two surpasses that of a conifer forest. And enough is enough.” It sounded like a royal decree. She took a big draught of her wine.

Yennefer told Jaskier, “He loves you without a djinn spell. He’s just been thick about admitting it. Which, due to his rather loveless upbringing and all the pervasive rubbish about Witchers not having emotions, is somewhat understandable.” She also gave Jaskier a bit of a lecture about things like talking too much.

Geralt restrained himself from squirming in his seat. In a way he was relieved that the matter had been taken out of his hands and that he didn’t even need to do any or much talking – it was all being done for him. He wanted to grumpily ask if either of them got a say in it, since it involved them, but then again, another ten years would probably pass, and they just didn’t have that amount of time to waste anymore.

Yennefer said, “As for ‘Her Sweet Kiss’ –”

There was a knock on the door. Jaskier looked relieved.

Calanthe called out, “Come in!”

A steward and servants brought in Jaskier’s bags and lute and Geralt’s saddlebags. Each piece of luggage was handled carefully, not just for the importance of Jaskier’s lute but also in deference for any vials or sharp items that were in a Witcher’s possession. The underlings then left.

Calanthe had a smug expression, as well she might at her manoeuvring. “We’ve done all the talking for you. Get to the good stuff now. To make sure that you do so, I’m putting you both under a form of house arrest. Namely here, locked in this turret, for the next two days.”

Jaskier gave a faint noise, like an outrush of breath mixed with a squeak. Geralt twitched.

She continued briskly, all business: “You can go up to the top of the tower and get some air and look at your precious horse – Roach, isn’t it? – gambolling in the field next to the stables to reassure yourself that she’s fine. But don’t try making ropes out of the bed sheets or canopy. The canopy is too old and fragile, and the sheets, while fit for royalty, have a very low thread count and would tear while you were on your way down. There’s a bathing area on the next level down and a privy, and over in that cupboard there’s plenty of food and drink.”

Geralt said, “I’m impressed. You two appear to have thought of everything.”

Calanthe gave a smile with a lot of teeth. “I’m glad you’ve noticed. Have the honeymoon first. I can perform a wedding ceremony when you get out, if you’re willing. Time to change the marital laws to include same sex marriage, and this would be a great first marriage of that sort! Ciri claims bridesmaid’s rights, by the way.”

Yennefer informed them, “I’ll even be the maid of honour, to show there are no hard feelings.”

Jaskier’s eyes were huge, whether in amazement or terror, Geralt wasn’t sure. He probably had the same look on his face. It was rather odd to have a wedding planned out for them when they hadn’t even kissed yet, like some royal bride.

Calanthe turned to Yennefer and said, “Now, I have an appointment soon with a sculptor, who I’ve commissioned to do a statue of Cantheus the Great for me.”

Geralt knew that was a popular art subject, especially amongst female nobility, as one of the most popular myths about that hero was that he had fought a sea serpent while naked. Lots of excuse for rippling, budging, straining muscles. Everywhere.

“He’s supposed to bring along the model for Cantheus so I can see if he’s got the right arse for it. Dear sorceress, would you like to join me to give your opinion? Then I will have an interlude with my husband to check on his recovery. You and I can continue our discussions about the best way forward for Cintra at dinner tonight. There will be more excellent wine and food.”

Yennefer smiled and inclined her head. “I would be delighted, on both counts.”

The Witcher watched as the two queens – one crowned and one (as yet) uncrowned – got up from the table. Geralt and Jaskier managed to dumbly stumble up out of their seats to bow. Jaskier knocked his over.

“Gentlemen,” Calanthe said in farewell. Both women gave them wicked grins and looked very pleased with themselves. The queen and the mage exited like old friends. The door was shut. It wasn’t locked, but Geralt knew Calanthe would have the entrance to the turret secured behind them.

What had just happened?

There was a long pause.

Geralt finally said, “Those two have more balls than we could ever dream of having.”

“Hmm,” Jaskier replied in a daze.

They then did talk a bit, Jaskier managing to regain his voice. Apologies, admittances, then the ardour set in, and soon they were both tearing at each other’s clothes in the rush to get naked. And to catch up on what they could have been doing for years.

Geralt was glad to see that look return to Jaskier’s eyes, to his whole expression. He wasn’t hiding the way he felt for Geralt any longer, in fact it was now even stronger, shining out, since they had admitted their love. Geralt also made sure not to hide his expressions from the bard.

And Jaskier did love getting his hands on Geralt’s arse for purposes other than tending to it with chamomile.

xXx

“I was told you wanted to see me,” Yennefer said. She and Geralt were standing in the doorway at the base of the turret, accompanied by a guard who had unlocked the door. “It’s only been a day. You can’t be ready to succumb to cabin fever just yet. You also can’t have worked through all the sexual positions yet.”

Geralt cleared his throat. “We kind of … broke the bed. And there are no couches in there that we can use.”

“Ah.”

Not that they hadn’t had fun with sex up against the wall. And sex on the table. And in the bath. It’s just that they had to sleep sometime, and it might as well be comfortable.

Yennefer was clearly amused but had the good manners not to laugh out loud. Yet. “Very well. I can see from the look on your face that our little plan worked. I will tell the Queen that I advise you can both be moved into another bedroom, one that the two of you can leave at will. With a much, much sturdier bed.”

“Thank you, Yennefer. For everything.”

Jaskier yelled down the stairs.

“What did he say?” Yennefer asked.

“It’s nothing. Just wanting me to hurry back into his arms, that sort of thing.”

Yennefer gave him a look.

Geralt sighed. “Fine. He said that if the model for the sculpture fails to live up to expectations in the nether regions, he will generously volunteer me to pose for it instead.”

She grinned. “We’ll definitely keep that in mind. Now, I’ll head off on your errand, and you get back to attending to your bard.”

Geralt bowed and did as ordered.

xXx

The End.


End file.
